My story

Too often I daydream, and too often I wander off into a world that´s beyond our own. I scream inside and I feel the need to explode. Feel the need to tell a story. To tell my story.

I´m not special in any way. I have lived, and still do, a very normal life. But still I have been through a lot. I´m coming from a family with seven children and as the elder son as I am, it is always assumed that you should be the one that is responsable and caring. Me and three of my brothers and sisters don´t have any contact whatsoever. I don´t have any grudge to anyone of them but I have my opinions and my beliefs. I'm not that kind of a person who jerks around with people. My life will still go on, with them or without them.

Many of you don´t know this, but when my firstborn child was 5 weeks old he got hospitalised because of the pylorus. It did not open as it should, resulting in that he vomited the food he was given. He couldn´t retain anything at all. During 2 weeks we were at the hospital, troubled and afraid. Were afraid that we might could loose him. My child, our child, were at the time so fragile that even the slightest touch almost gave him bruises. It was the two of my worst weeks ever. I still think of it from time to time. How it would have been if he wasn´t so strong as he was, as he is. Today he is an intelligent, caring young boy that´s enjoying life as he should to. I remember when his little sister came to this world. He was so proud and he loved to hug her and to cuddle with her. She was so beautiful, and still is, and both of them makes me so happy. Today they fuss with each other, as any brother and sister in the world and she teases him into madness but that's the way it should be. More or less that is. She is a wonderful and a joyful little girl who loves making things up all the time, simply a little restless if you want to put it like that. They are my little angels and they mean everything for me. I wouldn´t be anything if it weren´t for them. Sure, sometimes they irritates their old father, I can´t argue with that. But what can I say about it really? It comes with the package. Children is meant to irritate their parents, it´s in their nature. They still are my pride and joy in life and I love them so.

One thing I don´t wish my kids is that they will go through school like outcasts like I did. Yes, back in the days I was bullied. Throughout my time in elementary school. Maybe I was not cool enough or just different from the rest, I really don´t know. Why is it so? Why are children so mean to each other? Just because someone is different it doesn´t mean that you have the right to pick on them. It doesn´t mean that you can do whatever you want with that person. It isn´t right in any way, only terrible wrong. I guess in my case it has formed me into the person I am today, but others may not be as fortunate. Too often you read about people who commits suicides because the other kids couldn´t handle that person's differences. We need to remind our selves that what we do in life echoes into eternity. The sad thing is that it is because of the growth of the social features on the internet such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc. And one thing that´s even more sad is that when people get old, they develop a conscience. Suddenly they want to help people, help nature, and never before we have seen so much people involved in so much. And this is also because of the social features on the internet. How can those, who has been so cruel, just suddenly be caring to everyone and to everything? Those who probably was the reason of a certain person´s suicide, a certain person's stress, a certain person's mental health. Do they think that their sympathies and their care for life in an adult age ways up to how they were has children? Or is it just that they do not understand that they in their childhood did wrong? I do not know. But I hope that these people will teach their children how to treat each other and that all of you others will do the same. Be to others as you want them to be against you.

Even if I have my children there have been a time when I was more or less depressed, even if it lasted for a short while. I didn´t like my work at all and on the private level we had to struggle financially which took hard on my psyche. Often I came to my senses and realized that I was angry a lot without a reason and I can´t explain why. Sometimes I could cry when I went to sleep. I never spoken anything about it and how I felt inside. I just kept it to myself. And today I know that It was wrong to do so. It only resulted in problems for me to communicate in a proper manner. But I think I was like that unconsciously. Maybe because I, in some twisted way, thought that I protected my family by taking all of the concern myself instead of talking about it. Then it´s also because I didn't feel well. I know It's easy for you who have not been in such a similar situation to like and think a lot, but it´s not so easy as you think. If you as a person not feeling well, you will find out that it´s hard to see things in one way and because of that, it may ultimately be too late. I´m sorry if I caused my family unnecessary distress. It was never my intention. But I´m glad that the childrens mum and I are best friends today and I´m going to see to it that it stays that way for all time because she really means a lot to me. We had thirteen years together and I will remember every last one of them. Even those less good. After all, It´s memories and a lesson for life and those years made me a better man. They made me to the man I am today.

The last thing I want to mention concerns one thing that influenced my life. For about three years ago something happened. One of my best friends were involved and I could never really belive in it. He is like a little brother to me and I love him so, and for the respect of him and his close ones I won´t talk about the thing he did and why it happened. But I miss him. I miss the talks we had and I miss all the thing we did together. I know we will have the chance in the future to hang out again, to make up for all the lost time. It´s just that I wish sometimes he was here right now. As I see it, there´s always two sides of a story, but that's a chapter of it self to be told.